6 Week Postpartum Checkup

Today I had my 6 week check up to make sure that everything is going well.  Well... things are NOT going well at all. 

First of all, I have been in a ton of pain since my delivery.  I had a bilateral sulcus tear, which means I have two long, deep tears on both sides.  It is worse than a 3rd or 4th degree tear, and almost cannot be chatagorized.  It has been extremely painful, and I have had such a hard time sitting down or moving around in general because of it.  Well, even after 6 weeks it is still painful, and I found out why:  I have an infection that has caused a large cyst, a little larger than a marble.  It is called a bartholin cyst.  I am going to be on antibiotics beginning tomorrow, and I also may need surgery to remove the cyst.  I am anticipating a lot of pain and discomfort.  I am so upset that this is happening... it just re-affirms that I should not have any more children.

Then the midwife did a breast exam, and found a small pea sized lump in my breast.  Now, I need to go to the hospital and have an ultrasound on my breast to make sure it is not dangerous... i.e., cancerous.  It could possibly be just a cyst.  Or, it could be a lot worse. 

I also have been struggling with PPD, on a small scale.  I have been having very negative feelings and emotions, especially at night when I am trying to get the baby to sleep.  I feel very lonely and down.  My midwife prescribed Zoloft, the minimum dosage.  Who knows if it will help?  I think the feelings I have go a lot deeper than just my hormones going wild.  A lot of what I am feeling is circumstantial.  I had an unplanned pregnancy that I could not afford financially.  Now, we are struggling financially more than I ever thought possible and I feel very alone in the process.  Most of my friends are in the place in life where they have very little responsibilities, and they are able to spend lots of money on fun things.  Their problems are trivial (like their friends talking about them behind their backs), and it actually makes me angry to listen to them. 

I wonder if things will ever get better for us...