Today I had my 6 week check up to make sure that everything is going well. Well... things are NOT going well at all.
First of all, I have been in a ton of pain since my delivery. I had a bilateral sulcus tear, which means I have two long, deep tears on both sides. It is worse than a 3rd or 4th degree tear, and almost cannot be chatagorized. It has been extremely painful, and I have had such a hard time sitting down or moving around in general because of it. Well, even after 6 weeks it is still painful, and I found out why: I have an infection that has caused a large cyst, a little larger than a marble. It is called a bartholin cyst. I am going to be on antibiotics beginning tomorrow, and I also may need surgery to remove the cyst. I am anticipating a lot of pain and discomfort. I am so upset that this is happening... it just re-affirms that I should not have any more children.
Then the midwife did a breast exam, and found a small pea sized lump in my breast. Now, I need to go to the hospital and have an ultrasound on my breast to make sure it is not dangerous... i.e., cancerous. It could possibly be just a cyst. Or, it could be a lot worse.
I also have been struggling with PPD, on a small scale. I have been having very negative feelings and emotions, especially at night when I am trying to get the baby to sleep. I feel very lonely and down. My midwife prescribed Zoloft, the minimum dosage. Who knows if it will help? I think the feelings I have go a lot deeper than just my hormones going wild. A lot of what I am feeling is circumstantial. I had an unplanned pregnancy that I could not afford financially. Now, we are struggling financially more than I ever thought possible and I feel very alone in the process. Most of my friends are in the place in life where they have very little responsibilities, and they are able to spend lots of money on fun things. Their problems are trivial (like their friends talking about them behind their backs), and it actually makes me angry to listen to them.
I wonder if things will ever get better for us...
Monday, August 20, 2012
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Breast Feeding
So I previously wrote about breast feeding, and how I was helped by a lactation consultant at the hospital. Selah had done so extremely well with latching on and nursing, and I was thrilled that it was going so well!
The breast feeding was perfect for about the first two weeks. Then the third week, it got difficult. Selah started pushing her arms out against my breast and pulling her head back (with the nip still in her mouth), which HURT a whole lot! Then I started trying to pump, and I was so sore and in pain that my head started spinning and I felt dizzy and lightheaded. So I had this weird feeling about pumping. I was getting frustrated because both pumping and nursing HURT!!!
Then we heard a few people talking about how they would nurse and also use formula. Some people would supplement just a little formula per feeding, others would do formula for only one meal. This sounded rather appealing because we could feed her one bottle as we were trying to go to bed (our most difficult time with Selah - around 11 pm) and then I could breast feed her the rest of the time. So we tried it. And of course, Selah didn't want the formula at first. She cried and cried, and wanted to nurse for comfort. So I let her, which kills me!
The next day, I gave her formula again and this time she took the bottle. But she spit up a good bit after. I figured that was normal, and I wasn't too concerned. I let her drink breast milk from the bottle several times and let her have one formula bottle. Then at night, I tried to nurse her and she wouldn't take my breast! Ahhhh. She has nipple confusion! I feel soooo awful.
Today, I gave her some formula mixed with breast milk and she threw it up... I mean, it wasn't spit up, it was lots of throw up. It actually scared me so much I cried. I felt sooo bad for confusing my poor baby, for giving her forumla which she isn't used to (and may not be the best thing for her), and for failing her. I hate that she threw up!
Selah will only take about an ounce of milk or two at a time now (from the bottle), and I am hoping that is enough for her for now. She is also not nursing well at all now- pulling away, fussing, not latching on and suckling.... I feel like I might need to see a lactation consultant again to straighten everything out.
In a way, I wish I had just stuck with the nursing and not tried to introduce a bottle.... but then again, I can't live like that with not being able to have someone else watch her once in a while and give her a bottle. I cannot be there attached to her hip for a full year... We need to be able to go on dates and do things once in a while without her to maintain our sanity.
I wish Selah was able to do both: nursing, and bottle feeding, without any issues. Then I feel bad that I expect her to know how to do that. Poor thing is still getting used to being alive! I just need to figure out what works best for her and us, and stick with it.
The breast feeding was perfect for about the first two weeks. Then the third week, it got difficult. Selah started pushing her arms out against my breast and pulling her head back (with the nip still in her mouth), which HURT a whole lot! Then I started trying to pump, and I was so sore and in pain that my head started spinning and I felt dizzy and lightheaded. So I had this weird feeling about pumping. I was getting frustrated because both pumping and nursing HURT!!!
Then we heard a few people talking about how they would nurse and also use formula. Some people would supplement just a little formula per feeding, others would do formula for only one meal. This sounded rather appealing because we could feed her one bottle as we were trying to go to bed (our most difficult time with Selah - around 11 pm) and then I could breast feed her the rest of the time. So we tried it. And of course, Selah didn't want the formula at first. She cried and cried, and wanted to nurse for comfort. So I let her, which kills me!
The next day, I gave her formula again and this time she took the bottle. But she spit up a good bit after. I figured that was normal, and I wasn't too concerned. I let her drink breast milk from the bottle several times and let her have one formula bottle. Then at night, I tried to nurse her and she wouldn't take my breast! Ahhhh. She has nipple confusion! I feel soooo awful.
Today, I gave her some formula mixed with breast milk and she threw it up... I mean, it wasn't spit up, it was lots of throw up. It actually scared me so much I cried. I felt sooo bad for confusing my poor baby, for giving her forumla which she isn't used to (and may not be the best thing for her), and for failing her. I hate that she threw up!
Selah will only take about an ounce of milk or two at a time now (from the bottle), and I am hoping that is enough for her for now. She is also not nursing well at all now- pulling away, fussing, not latching on and suckling.... I feel like I might need to see a lactation consultant again to straighten everything out.
In a way, I wish I had just stuck with the nursing and not tried to introduce a bottle.... but then again, I can't live like that with not being able to have someone else watch her once in a while and give her a bottle. I cannot be there attached to her hip for a full year... We need to be able to go on dates and do things once in a while without her to maintain our sanity.
I wish Selah was able to do both: nursing, and bottle feeding, without any issues. Then I feel bad that I expect her to know how to do that. Poor thing is still getting used to being alive! I just need to figure out what works best for her and us, and stick with it.
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